86.

May the FUS be with you.

OH MAN. Toby Turner is by far…one of the most hilarious let’s players I have ever seen. EVER. I wish I could be even remotely decent when compared to him. There’s a reason why I gave up doing Let’s Plays. He’s another good reason why.

“Need any help around the forge?”
“Yes, actually.”
“Aw crap.”
“How about you smith me an iron dagger?”
“Hell no!”

That’s pretty much me with every damned side quest I run into.

I’ve been so crazy over The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. I’ve made a Female Breton Wizard/Rogue combo that’s absolutely a ton of fun. I have way too much fun “LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT!”ing monsters and dragons down. Then, I can go around like a badass rogue and kill people in one shot if I need to be stealthy. It’s actually ont a surprise that I’ve turned out to be a wizard/rogue combo because the game places a lot of importance on lockpicking and sneaking. I’ve done my fair share of leeroying my way around to death, only to instantly regret that decision.

I’ve TOTALLY sidetracked myself on a MASSIVE side quest with the Thieves Guild that has YET to be resolved. But now I’m actually the leader of the Thieves Guild as well. Then, I ended up going on the Mage College side quest and ended up turning into the Archmage. I don’t even think I’m doing the normal main quest anymore. Jeez. The world in Skyrim is SO effing immense…Even the dungeons for the side quests are so bloody complicated. I can’t complain though because I actually don’t want the game to be over, EVER. The only issue I see with this insane amount of immersion is that I’m spending so much time with side quests. It makes it seem as if I’ve completely delayed the urgent issue of dragons that are invading the lands. Yes, there are random “boss” encounters with dragons but the problem is that you become so immersed in “living” in the actual world that you completely forget there’s a major storyline that you’re supposed to follow. I also wish there was a way to abandon quests and restart them if I wanted to.

The only other qualm I really have about the game is the fact that I can’t sell all the shit that I collect to vendors. I understand this gives it a more realistic quality though since you can’t just take expensive items from a dwarven cave and expect to sell every damned thing you collected to a small little trader in Whiterun.

Oh god, now that I think about it…I hope I didn’t sell my Amulet of Mara. You need it to get married to a NPC. Well, at least I have over 7k gold. The problem is, a lot of the men in Skyrim aren’t very…appealing or great in any sense of the word. Honestly, there are only two men that I would have my character marry and they are Ralof and Brynjolf. I’d choose Ralof because it’d be great for a storyline. He’s there for me since the very beginning and saves my life. I’d also choose Brynjolf because he has the best voice acting, personality, and appearance in the game. But they’re not available for marriage. What a bummer. All the other men scare me, to be honest with you. They either look hideous, sound hideous, and are just…hideous all around. But it makes sense because you’re meant to play the game as a male main character.

I’ll have to agree and say that the women are much more appealing than the men. Astrid, the leader of the Dark Brotherhood, is just…pure awesome. It’s sad that she gets killed later on in the Dark Brotherhood storyline though apparently. Then there’s Karliah but she’s a Dark Elf and they frankly look…a bit scary in this game. Actually, all the Elves look scary in Skyrim…Especially those Wood Elves withe the afros and alien eyes. I’ll have to say that Karliah has a beautiful voice though and a strong personality.

Once I finish the game, I’ll have to actually post a review of it. Then I’ll have to post a secondary review for the soundtrack because it’s actually MASSIVE. 4 hours worth of music.

Sigh, I actually really want to play the game again as a warrior but if I do…I’d have to stick with the main storyline along with any blacksmithing/enchanting that I’d want to do. Because side quests take up way too much time. AHHH, I don’t know anymore! I want to do SO much with Skyrim! I also want to be a dedicated wizard and a dedicated rogue as well! BAHHH. Damn you Betheseda for being so AMAZING. SIGH.

Best $60 I’ve ever spent. Ever.

85.

Trifonic – Broken

This house is cold and empty
Just a ghost who I used to be
Staring at my own reflection
Wonder if it even recognizes me

Last night I heard you whisper,
“Everything is fine ’cause I am here
I am here.”
Last night I saw your shadow
But when I called your name you disappeared
You disappeared

Who’s gonna say good night,
Who’s gonna stop the world from turning?
Who’s gonna numb my pain,
Who’s gonna save me when the sky is crashing?

I am broken
I am broken

Who’s gonna say good night,
Who’s gonna stop the world from turning?
Who’s gonna numb my pain,
Who’s gonna save me when the sky is crashing?

- x -

I thought my life would be easier than this.

I thought that things would change.

I thought that happiness would come into my life for once.

I thought that by having courage and strength, I would finally be okay.

But none of that happened.

Am I destined to always be this way?

84.

The Civil Wars – Poison & Wine

You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don’t want me to
Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
You think your dreams are the same as mine
Oh I don’t love you but I always will
Oh I don’t love you but I always will
Oh I don’t love you but I always will
I always will

I wish you’d hold me when I turn my back
The less I give the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don’t have a choice but I’d still choose you

Oh I don’t love you but I always will [x7]
I always will [x5]

I’ve been listening to this song on repeat throughout my bus rides to and from work. Even though I don’t want to think about marriage or weddings right now, I can’t help but hope that I’ll have this song playing at my wedding. In my experiences with long term relationships, I’ve learned that there will always come a moment where you severely dislike the person you love and can’t stand them at all for their flaws. Yet you still continue loving them anyway despite it all. In my opinion, a true and real romance will know how to balance these feelings out and in the end…you always will love that person. I also can’t believe how intimate Joy Williams and John Paul White are through their music. Yet they’re married to two different people and I’m sure they have their own wholesome marriages. It’s bizarre to me because I suppose it’s possible to still have a ridiculously strong bond with someone else even if they’re not in a relationship with you. I honestly think they’re musical soulmates. I hope that one day I can feel that sort of connection with someone. I see those two and they’re honestly unbreakable. The passion they share is through their music and it’s absolutely intoxicating.

I genuinely get chills from this song and trust me…it’s not due to the extremely cold weather that’s arrived to Southern California.

I hope I can have the right amount of strength and courage this week. I’m…going to need it.

83.

Coldplay – Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall

I turn the music up I got my records on
I shut the world outside until the lights come on
Maybe the streets alight maybe the trees are gone
I feel my heart start beating to my favorite song

And all the kids they dance all the kids all night
Until Monday morning feels another life
I turn the music up
I’m on a roll this time
And heaven is in sight

I turn the music up I got my records on
From underneath the rubble sing a rebel song
Don’t want to see another generation drop
I’d rather be a comma than a full stop

Maybe I’m in the black maybe I’m on my knees
Maybe I’m in the gap between the two trapezes
But my heart is beating and my pulses start
Cathedrals in my heart

As we saw oh this light
I swear you emerge blinking into
To tell me it’s alright
As we soar walls every siren is a symphony

And every tear’s a waterfall
Is a waterfall
Oh
Is a waterfall
Oh oh oh
Is a is a waterfall
Every tear
Is a waterfall
Oh oh oh

So you can hurt hurt me bad
But still I’ll raise the flag

Oh
It was a wa wa wa wa wa-aterfall
A wa wa wa wa wa-aterfall

Every tear
Every tear
Every teardrop is a waterfall

Every tear
Every tear
Every teardrop is a waterfall

So I was going to write a blog post about Muse’s “Resistance” and how it’s given me the courage I needed lately. But then, I watched Coldplay’s live concert in Madrid through YouTube and was absolutely inspired by their performances there. So “Resistance” will have to wait for another day.

I love the concept of their new album too for Mylo Xyloto.

 According to Chris Martin, the album is “based on a love story with a happy ending”, in which two protagonists: Mylo and Xyloto, who are living in an oppressive, dystopian urban environment, meet one another through a gang called “The Lost Boys”, and fall in love.

- Wikipedia

Too cute. It’s hard to not admire a love story with a happy ending. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to run across a plain with the beautiful blue skies and sun above me. Throughout my entire life, I’ve always wanted to be with a person who would run hand in hand with me without feeling the need to compete and run ahead of me. Sadly enough though, it seems that all the men I know these days only want to run ahead, show off, and leave the other one behind in hopes that they’d impress the woman. I hope that I can still get the happy ending that I desire in my life.

I need to stop looking at what I have now because I only get depressed when I do that. What I need to do is look to the future and the things that I want to accomplish. Nothing and no one will ever hold me back from now on. In order to live my life to the fullest, I need to sprint at the fastest speed that I possibly can and surround myself with people who can run at the same exact pace. Because those that run together in life will understand each other fully. If two people run at different speeds in life, then they will have nothing but misunderstandings, unhappiness, and frustration.

It’s time to take those tear drops of mine and realize that they’re all beautiful and natural waterfalls in a sense. Through every tribulation and hardship I face, something beautiful will always result from it. But beauty cannot be achieved simply by waiting for it.

One must work hard to obtain the beautiful and enjoyable things in life. Nothing is ever easy.

- x -

The only problem that I really have with Mylo Xyloto is the fact that the song Princess of China is directly influenced and takes notes directly from the Vietnamese song Ra Ngo Tung Kinh by Ha Tran. On top of that, the Vietnamese song is also a million times better. Sure, Coldplay acknowledged the original song they sampled from with “Every Teardrop is a Waterfall” but Ra Ngo Tung Kinh wasn’t even acknowledged.

Check this news article out to hear both the songs:

http://www.tuoitrenews.vn/cmlink/tuoitrenews/lifestyle/vietnamese-diva-likely-to-sue-coldplay-for-plagiarism-1.48850

82.

So oddly enough, I’m feeling much happier lately. I’m…really not sure why. In fact, it should be the complete opposite but since I feel more in control with my life and a bit older, things don’t seem as bad anymore. When I was much younger, all these things that have been happening to me would have torn my sanity apart. But in all honesty, I’m much happier regardless of all the shit that’s happening to me. I’ve gotten an weird feeling that it’s due to Bill Hicks and his monologue about how life is just a ride and that one day, that ride will end. Maybe I just don’t care anymore. I don’t know what it is but I have a feeling that I should just leave my mind alone for now.

I want to take a massive break from Atlas Shrugged. Why? I’ve just lost the motivation to read it recently and I’ve been in a daydreaming mood lately. I don’t want to contemplate the difficult issues that we all face every day and philosophize about it all right now. After a long day at work, I either just want to play a game or read a book that will make me emotionally happy. Being in a three year long relationship devoid of any sort of romance has left me jaded so it has become apparent that I must rely on my imagination and the words/ideas of others for it.

For the last 23 years of my life, I felt compelled to always be in a relationship and had a need to be dependent on another person. Perhaps the main reason why I’ve been in such long term relationships is due to my need for security and stability, rather than romance. I’m slowly realizing how much of a terrible thing it is because in my life, I’ve always strived for a profound love that would sweep me off my feet even three, five, ten, twenty, or even forty years into the relationship. The one thing I’ve always lacked was proper indepdence within every aspect of my life, whether it was financial or even emotional. However, after learning how to take care of my own family, having my own job, and managing my own finances…I’ve realized that I don’t need help anymore. Granted, I still owe a large sum of money to Higgins, but that can be easily accumulated over the next few months or so. Despite everything, I’ve found this new sense of independence that I had been lacking all my life, especially since my parents had such a tight hold on every single thing I did. Even now, I’ve released myself from their grasp by no longer depending on them to drop me off at work. Instead, I take the bus every day now and have learned to distance myself from them.

All in all, I’ve gained…quite a bit of indepdence and I definitely feel like I have more control in my life. I feel like I don’t need to be around a boyfriend or parents anymore. Before my so-called epiphany, I always felt like I needed to have Higgins around to be able to feel happy or even eat. I felt like I HAD to be with my parents to feel secure. But I’m not like that anymore.

My need for security also pressured me into thinking that I needed to get married soon. That marriage was something I should look forward to now. But after finding my newfound independence, I honestly don’t really want to think about it now anymore. It’s far in the future and…I just. I don’t know. My need for something that serious has vanished. Sure, looking forward to the future is great and all but I honestly can’t imagine it so it feels a little restrictive to even consider or think about it. All I care about right now is the present time and things that are happening now. I don’t even have the finances to consider marriage as even a remotely serious idea. It just doesn’t seem like the right time at all to consider thoughts about a married life.

The only thing genuinely bothering me lately and will continue to do so is the fact that I’m very tired. I’ll have to be moving out of my home soon and into a warehouse, so packing will need to be done. On top of that, I’m sure I’ll have to throw away a lot of important things that I need to part with. I’m…really not looking forward to all of that.

- x -

I was just looking up job applications through my college’s website and found that this solar company was hiring people. How bizarre would it be if I got accepted to REC Solar and ended up meeting Ryan P. from The Bachelorette? That’d truly be surreal.

All right, time to get to work.

81.

Stars – Personal

Wanted: single F
Under 33
Must enjoy the sun
Must enjoy the sea
Sought by single M
Mrs destiny
Send photo to address
Is it you and me?

Reply to single M:
My name is Caroline
Cell phone number here
Call if you have the time
28 and bored
Grieving over loss
Sorry to be heavy
But heavy is the cost
Heavy is the cost

Reply to Caroline:
Thanks so much for response
These things can be scary
Not always what you want
How about a drink?
This ancient club at noon
I’ll phone you first I guess
I hope I see you soon

I never got your name
I assume you’re 33
Your voice it sounded kind
I hope that you like me
When you see my face
I hope that you don’t laugh
I’m not a film star beauty
I’ll send a photograph
I hope that you don’t laugh

Note to single M:
Why did you not show up?
I waited for an hour
I finally gave up
I thought once that I saw you
I thought that you saw me
I guess we’ll never meet now
It wasn’t meant to be
It wasn’t mean to be
I was sure you saw me
But it wasn’t meant to be

Wanted: single F
Under 33
Must enjoy the sun
Must enjoy the sea
Sought by single M
Nothing too heavy
Send photo to address
Is it you or me?
Is it you or me?
Is it you or me?
Is it you or me?

8o.

I’m actually a bit glad that Michael Scott is no longer a character in The Office anymore. The whole series has taken a turn for the better now that they’re having a whole new outlook on comedy. It’s a lot more witty and sharp. Adding in James Spader as a frequent star in the show has been the best move they could have possibly ever made. To be honest, I can’t help but feel as if Robert California was written deliberately with James in mind. The man is also still handsome even though he’s aged significantly. He has this strong magnetic personality where you’re just absolutely drawn to every single thing he says. You can even hear the women in the staff giggling off to the side. Yeah…he’s certainly got this rare personality and charisma. It’s simply amazing to watch this man do his normal thing. I’m absolutely loving the new direction that The Office is taking and it definitely is a well needed change.

That last episode with Josh Groban was utterly hilarious. Every single moment that Josh was in the show were all brilliantly done. Even Mose was absolutely adorable with his attempt to ride his scooter over a bunch of cars. Very nice touch and I’m just…so happy that there’s this refreshing new take on the series. I was worried that the series would eventually die out but my worries have certainly been addressed.

79.

Over the last few days, I have taken a deeper look into the past few years of my life and how I’ve changed and grown throughout it all. Needless to say, I feel that I need a massive transformation in my life to occur. To be honest, everything in my life at the moment is completely tearing me down. My mother is the only real and outside source of inspiration and motivation that I have. Everyone else, such as Higgins or my father, simply tear me down even when they compliment me. That’s not the way I should be living my life at all.

Even though I know that it would be a terrible thing for any of those people to read this post, I simply don’t care anymore. The only people that care about this blog are those that happen to stumble upon my Doctor Who post. No one genuinely cares about what I have to say or do in this life except for myself and my mother.

As for my relationship of three years now, I have felt frustration and anger for the majority of it. Granted, there are moments that I could feel happy and silly like anyone should with a good friendship. Yet when it comes to the relationship, I can’t help but wonder why I feel so…lonely and aggravated all the time. It’s as if I feel he doesn’t understand me at all. Even when he compliments me, it just feels as if he’s left a thin veil of contradiction all over them.

“You’re beautiful,” he says to me.
All I hear from him instead is, “You’ve always been ugly to me as I’ve admitted before and I’m merely settling for you since I’m far too lazy to find anyone else.”

Even with all these wonderful things that he tells me, I can only remember the terrible things he said. It’s as if his entire being in my eyes has been utterly tainted. I’ve tried my hardest for the last three years to overcome my perception of him but it simply cannot change. Should he actually read this blog, I will save him from embarrassment from my unseen and non-existent audience by not stating exactly what he’s told me over the years. Regardless of that, they’ve all been extremely hurtful and have given me reason to destroy my own self-confidence. So when he does say anything positive, it just comes across as something entirely contradictory and his comments leave me feeling even more alone and bitter than before. I’ve always wondered if I could grow out of this terrible mindset but I’m beginning to understand that…maybe I never will.

Then there’s my father who’s the human embodiment of all that is frustration and anger. It’s extremely difficult to be patient and calm when your own father is spewing stress and is yelling nearly all the time. When he yells at me or my mother, I honestly feel like imploding. It’s so difficult to feel happy or calm at home. I just can’t obtain an ounce of peace for my mind anywhere. I’ll come home from work feeling as if I’m on top of the world, but the moment I step into my father’s car, he’ll already be yelling at the FedEX people for not delivering their package on time…calling them liars and all this other shit.

I wish I could just leave this all behind and travel to a foreign and relaxing land.

Fuck this.

78.

Taking the bus to work from now on and also back home. It’s at least a 1 1/2 hour ride one way. I really wish I could read but the problem is that I get awfully naseous and get a massive headache if I read while I’m in a moving vehicle. Instead, I just spend some time contemplating while listening to music.

 

Sigh…

77.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Damien Rice’s music lately. His soothing voice and calm guitar helps immensely. Even when I’m feeling frustrated, songs like Prague give me the feeling that someone else out there understands what I’m going through. Even though I don’t watch Korean romance dramas anymore, I’ll have to say that I’m so fucking happy that I did when I was younger. If it weren’t for Spring Sonata, I would never have heard of Cannonball by Damien Rice. That whole event really started my love for softer acoustic music.

- x -

I’m really looking forward to the hitRECord Fall Formal this Monday. I’ll have to be absolutely ravishing for the whole event since everyone’s dressing up with formal wear. I have absolutely no idea what it’ll really be like but I suppose that’s the exciting part of it all. Luckily, it’s my day off of work due to it being Columbus Day, although I really don’t approve of the fact that we have a holiday for someone whose discovery brought such pain, disease, and genocide to the Native Americans who naturally claimed their right on this land first.

- x -

I miss UCSB. After visiting the coast of Santa Barbara for the Interpol concert a few months ago, I’ve often thought about the small little towns on the campus there and the long coast that laid beside it all. The ocean was beautiful there and it was enthralling to see the mountains and hills to the right as well. Long highways are so relaxing to drive down as well.

I haven’t had a chance to rest at all these days. It’d be nice to just get away from all my worries and concerns and just…relax. I saw a man who was lying down on the grass next to the bus stop yesterday. He had spread out his plaid cotton jacket beneath him and was sleeping peacefully while his face was aimed towards the cloudy sky. I envied him. It looked so perfect. I wanted to get off the bus at that moment and just lay down on the grass further away to capture the essence of what he was enjoying.

If I had the money and the car to drive down to Santa Barbara or any coastal area, I would do it in a heartbeat. That escape will have to be planned for another day…